My Savior
by J.M. Crow
Summary: This is a story about the love shared between human and man's best friend. Its a tribute to their devotion and strength. My life would be empty without these furry creatures that reach into my chest and snuggle my heart. For Parker RIP


It was dark, the sky was clear. I stared out my window at the stars. The silence in the car only fed the pain. I had absolutely no idea what he was thinking, I tried to smile, to make it real and genuine but inside I suffered. I clearly remember my prayer. I begged, I pleaded, please send him back to me. He doesn't have to look the same I just want him back.

I never told my husband what I was thinking that night on our long drive to see those golden puppies. I was afraid he would turn around and take me home and a part of me needed something to take care of, needed something to distract me from the agony. But I knew that I would never again be able to love anything the way I loved him.

When we arrived a sweet woman and her two daughters welcomed us into their home. We followed them into her kitchen and waited as she went out to her garage. When she returned she carried with her two very adorable, very fluffy male golden retriever puppies. Nick and I sat on the ground and looked them over, although never spoken the final decision was left up to me. I knew what I was looking for, but my heart yearned for a sign that my sweet Parker was coming back to me. I didn't get one.

I did however get bitten on the nose by one of the puppies, it was difficult to laugh with the bite induced tears streaming down my face and I knew although he was the one my husband preferred I wanted his brother, the shy one, the reluctant one. Not the traits you should look for when purchasing a puppy but I liked the way he looked. He had a solid square head and there was just something about him that I preferred.

We discussed his age and whether or not it was a good idea to take him at seven weeks. I now know that you NEVER take a puppy away from its mom and litter mates before eight weeks. Those last seven days are just as important as the first.

So we picked our puppy, paid the nice lady and said goodbye as her daughters began to cry. I set our newest addition on my lap but he was so much bigger than I was used to I ended up setting him on the floor between my feet. Nick was smiling from ear to ear; I was so convinced he was genuinely happy I couldn't bring myself to admit the pain I still felt. I had deluded myself into believing that this little creature would wash it all away, would bring back the joy I had lost so suddenly. He fell asleep on the floor of the car as we drove the hour and a half home.

As if it were possible I felt my heart begin to tear deeper than it had before. What had I done, why was I being so selfish, how could I bring this innocent creature into such a nightmare. It was my husband who broke the silence, he started throwing around names. I snapped out of my misery for a moment and we worked together to come up with a name.

We picked Parker's name because when we said it he came to us. We always told people who asked how we picked it that he told us what it was. Trying desperately to recapture what I had so recently lost we attempted to let the new puppy pick his name. We narrowed it down to Luke and Henry.

When we got home we walked him so he could use the bathroom, which he did, like a good little boy and then took him upstairs to our apartment to let him meet his extended feline family. We set him down in the middle of our living room and watched as all three of our cats approached him. He stood there frozen, watching them. After some time we tried out the names. For awhile we got little to no reaction to anything we said, he looked up when we said potato, but I couldn't bring myself to name him that. Finally, he looked up when we called Henry.

Newly named, Henry spent the rest of his evening investigating his surroundings. That first night was difficult. Nighttime was always the hardest; it was if the darkness invited the pain, fed it somehow. I hugged Parker's blanket close to me and fought back the sobbing. I wanted Henry to sleep with us but he was perfectly fine sleeping on his own on the floor. All fluff, he preferred the cool hardwood floor to our blanket covered bed. I woke up several times throughout the night and searched for him, always finding him asleep somewhere.

I believe it was his first night that I realized my prayer had not been answered. Henry was nothing like Parker, and my heart was too broken to love anything that wasn't. The guilt of this fact was excruciating, what had I done.

Feeling as though I had made a massive mistake I pulled myself together and promised to give this new puppy all the things he needed. I couldn't love him the way he deserved but I made a commitment to care for him and that was the least I could do.

My family and friends kept their feelings to themselves, though I knew they felt I had rushed into this decision. Nick and I kept our feelings hidden and did what we had to, to take care of Henry.

Our lives had been abruptly devastated that cold day in February. I would never have thought it would be put back together by that sweet innocent puppy. An amazing task was laid before Henry and he accepted it without complaint. His poor little shoulders were burdened with two broken owners, afraid to love him, afraid to care. He took on his responsibilities with courage and strength, he waited quietly as we healed, never demanding our undying love and affection, only lending a fluffy body to cry on when needed. Nick and I have since deemed Henry our guardian angel, our rock, our life boat. Without knowing it he carried us through the toughest experience either of us had ever endured. He was, and still is our savior.

This would not be the last time Henry would have to shoulder our pain, anguish and worry. A task he did naturally without being asked. In his first year with us we asked so much of him, we asked him to be patient while we mourned the sudden loss of Parker, we asked him to understand when we didn't want to get too close, and not too long after his arrival we asked him to hold us while his brother was in the hospital.

Desperate to get back what we had lost we contacted the breeder we got Parker from. As fait would have it one of her females, a distant relative of Parker's, was pregnant and would be due in a few weeks. Once again with Henry between us we jumped to a decision and requested one of her puppies. This time around we tried to keep our decision to ourselves knowing our family and friends wouldn't stay quiet for this one.

We had been working diligently to move back towards our hometown's and despite the distance kept in close contact with the breeder. I had found Parker, so my husband was comfortable letting me, once again, pick the new puppy. He was away the day I was allowed to go see the litter. We had seen pictures and had given a verbal request for one particular puppy. He was the biggest and he had spots, it was easy to pick him out.

When I arrived at the breeder's house I could hear the small cries coming from their bathroom. I was shocked to see how tiny they all were, four squirming little puppies crying to be fed. Their mommy was very obliging and let me see the puppy we had picked from the pictures. His eyes had just opened and he had the most amazing puppy breath. I could only hold him for a second before he began to wail but I was decided and put a deposit down on our second miniature dachshund in a year.

4


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